A Beautiful Moment of Submission

I had a beautiful moment Friday, it struck me so much that I felt I had to give it its own entry here. MasterDoc and I had just had sex in the living room, I still had my collar on and he went and lay down on the couch. And for me, the most perfect thing I could do just then was curl up on a blanket that was on the floor next to the couch. Nothing made me happier at that moment than to lie there, beneath him on the floor, and await the next time he wanted/needed me. I couldn’t see the television (porn) from where I was, so I stared off into space. But I was so amazingly happy to lie there. I felt calm, at peace, focused.

I don’t recall what he said to me, I know he asked me if I was watching the tv and I said that no, I couldn’t see it but I was happy. I can’t remember what he called upon me to do, but I was thrilled when he called upon me next. It was like the fulfillment of a deep need I had at that moment.

Unfortunately I’m not in that state all the time. I was pretty spoiled growing up. My family wasn’t rich by any stretch, but I never really wanted for anything. (I later learned my Dad would sacrifice by going without lunch so I could have things like Star Wars action figures and smurfs.) And if I wanted something, like ice cream, I could usually get my Dad to go out and get it for me that day. My relationship with Davey is a lot like my relationship with my Dad. He tends to spoil me. There’s the spoiled part of me that loves it. But then there’s a part of me that loves the fact that MasterDoc doesn’t spoil me in the same way. (He’s always saying he spoils me, and I suppose in some ways he does – he gives me lots of orgasms, for which I’m really thankful.) I have such a funny love (I don’t know if hate is the correct opposite word, it’s too strong, but I’ll use it) hate relationship with service. Part of me loves how Davey spoils me. Part of me loves how MasterDoc won’t let me get away with that. If I want ice cream (or better yet, if HE wants it) I’m the one sent out to get it. I don’t get to be lazy.

Sometimes in day to day life I’m far removed from subspace. Earlier Friday, we were moving our cars (gotta love alternate side of the street parking rules in NYC) and MasterDoc wanted me to park by him so we could pull my car up a bit later on when he went out to the store so we could ensure that I occupied two spaces so he could have a decent space when he got back. By the time we got to where we were going to park, someone else had already parked and there was just one space available. MasterDoc pulled up beside me and motioned to me to park further up the hill where there was space for two cars. I got all cranky – why go park up there? It’s further away. If someone else moves nearby when I’m taking up two spaces our plan won’t work, etc. Basically, I thought the plan for taking up two spaces wouldn’t work. For the rest of the day, he gave me a hard time about my attitude in that moment. “Would it really kill you to park a block farther? Was I really asking that much of you?” No, he wasn’t but the spoiled me didn’t want to comply.

We went out to lunch later in his car, and he found another place, closer to his building, where two cars could fit so he sent me to get my car. I still thought the idea was silly and likely not to work like we planned, but this time I tried to make up for before by getting my car without complaint. It can be hard to comply when I don’t agree with something. I’m strong willed in many ways. While submission can bring me so much happiness and peace sometimes it’s an uphill struggle. Submitting can be so freeing, but I also battle with the idea that I should be independent, think for myself completely.